The Gift of Grief

The COVID pandemic days are thankfully in the rearview mirror — but would you believe me if I told you there is still an epidemic in our world?

This epidemic I’m talking about is grief: from the death of loved ones, broken relationships, lost dreams, lost jobs, sickness. No matter how hard we try to avoid or ignore it, we will all encounter grief at some point in our lives. And the problem is, no one wants to talk about it.

Experiencing grief shapes and changes us, and we all live with grief in our own way. Many of us try to ignore our emotions, unaware of how they can build up until something breaks deep within. Some of us act out our grief in unrelated areas of our lives. Some deal with grief daily, facing it head-on.

Twenty-five years ago, a good friend of mine passed away six months before my wedding day. He was to be one of my groomsmen, but he died unexpectedly. After his passing, the grief I experienced was real and ongoing, yet others seemed to think I shouldn’t grieve at all.

When someone experiences deep sorrow, they are often told by others to “get over it,” or may be asked what the problem is. Some people see grief solely as a mental illness, not a normal process in our lives. Medically, if grief persists for 12 months or longer, it is then diagnosed as Prolonged Grief Disorder. While this acknowledges that grief can be a lengthy process, it also contributes to the sense that grief should be “gotten over.” It perceives grief as a sickness to be avoided.

I’ve felt that pressure. When my friend passed away, I heard all sorts of cliches such as, “He’s in a better place now,” and, “Clearly this was God’s will, so don’t be sad.” As a 22-year-old student, the depth of emotion I experienced was new; I didn’t know how to respond. I was angry, full of doubt towards God, hurt, and deeply sad. I was in shock at the unexpected death of a friend.

The question about grief that often goes unasked is: is it unhealthy? I believe the only thing unhealthy about grief is not being permitted to fully experience it. When we ignore it or try to move on too quickly, that’s when it becomes unhealthy. There is no timetable for grief. It’s a lifelong process, and how we experience it changes over time.
Grief is one of the largest pastoral care concerns I encounter in pastoral ministry. Many people gloss over their grief and don’t want to bring it up. Others grieve in silence, acknowledging it but not knowing if it is OK to share, especially when it is rooted in the distant past. As I dig deeper and find grief in people’s lives, it becomes clear that it shapes them for the long term, often with a sense of shame or failure because they can’t move past it. They have come to see their grief as a problem because others are not comfortable with it, or because society does not accept it.

But I’m here to say: grief is not a problem. Grief is a real part of living in a sinful and broken world; it’s not something to be “gotten over.” Rather, it is something to be lived out. In fact, I’ve come to see grief as a gift.

When someone or something becomes important, it becomes a part of us. It shapes us and becomes connected to our hopes and dreams for the future. We are ultimately changed by that person or thing in our life. When that is taken away, it leaves a hole behind. When we grieve, we acknowledge that hole and what we have lost.

We can try many things to address the hole. We can try and fill it with something else. We can pretend it doesn’t exist. We can even try and fix the hole with therapy and support groups — which are incredibly valuable and help us understand our grief. But there is no way to remove the hole. What has been lost cannot be replaced. And though we will come to value other people and things, the hole will remain. The goal of grief is to acknowledge the hole in our lives and learn to live with that loss.

Grieving well allows us to be shaped by our loss in a way that honours what was lost. That hole of grief is where we encounter our memories. It is where we remember the value of what we have lost. That hole becomes a place of laughter and tears, of memories and dreams. While grief hurts, it is also a source of joy; it reminds us of what we value and how we carry it forward each day.

While the source of grief is very much individualistic, the living out of grief shouldn’t be. Grieving is meant to be done in community. Romans 12:15 reminds us of this: “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”

The call of the church is to grieve together. When we grieve in community and can give voice to our loss and share that loss with others, we learn to live with our grief and accept the hole that has been left. We encounter others who grieve and realize it is a universal experience. We can allow ourselves to laugh and celebrate while simultaneously crying and mourning. We see grief as a part of life and not something that brings life to a halt. When we grieve together, we can give thanks for what was given to us by God and what was lost to the brokenness of the sinful world. As we grieve together, we grow in love for one another and turn to God together.

Twenty-five years after my friend passed away, I still grieve his loss. But my grief looks different now. Each year on the anniversary of his death or his birthday, I’m drawn to the memories I have. I’m reminded of how God made him, and the things that were uniquely him — his jokes, his opinions, and even how he would always sprint to the front door after I would drop him off. I remember the gift it was to have him as a friend.

Through our shared grief, I’ve stayed in touch with his family. My grief reminds me to pray for them and to value them. It provides a community of other friends and family I can grieve with. It is not a gift I ever wanted, but it is now a gift I cherish.

The world wants us to believe we are alone in our loss. Yet God recognizes our temptation to withdraw from the community, to isolate, and even to hide from our grief. Through the Holy Spirit and grace of Christ, he provides us with a community that grieves together. God does not remove the hole in our lives, but provides us with the support to move forward.

We take comfort in knowing that God understands grief. In Genesis 6:6, we see God grieving the brokenness of sin that had destroyed the hope he had for his creation. When we grieve, we are not pulling away from God; we are sharing in God’s grieving heart for a broken world that results in death, sickness, and loss. The gift of grief helps us hold onto memories, provides us with community, and helps us share in God’s heart for our world — it points us to why we need Jesus. And it points us to God’s ultimate plan: his restoration of a broken world. That is a gift to be treasured and valued.

https://mbherald.com/the-gift-of-grief/